Sunday, December 12, 2004

The Ride Begins...

Well well, after what seems like eons, I'm finally back in the blogging thingey...

To be frank, there are times where I logged on to my blog, stared at the empty windows, spent a good ol' half an hour or so, typed in a bunch of nonsense, and finally reached for the Backspace/Delete button... Somehow or rather, I just have this innate feeling dat my wanton ramblings are not worth being published... not worth the time of others to read, or maybe the trivialities of my life will actually bore people to death.. Or maybe I just can't seem to bear to open myself fully... to whoever may be reading this.. to actually open up myself and express my innermost feelings openly... it's not just me.. But today, I will let that be part of history as I truly embrace the cult of Bloggers out there..

Not that I have something dat is extremely worth announcing to the whole wide world happening to me... Maybe just dat I wish to have an outlet to vent the pent up emotions dat I've been feeling lately.. maybe I just feel like opening up with no restraints watsoever.. to break loose... (dat explains my sudden urge to go pubbing and get real drunk.. never tried dat.. and I think I will have a taste of it real soon..)

Having said dat, let's trace the tracks of the roller-coaster ride that formed my week.

3rd Dec, 2004 (Friday)
The day the ride begins.. After the internal examinations of the SAF Bands.. dat includes Music Theory, Aural Perception, Practical and Drills (for which I was exempted), we had our postings announced. The moment dat will decide where we will be for the rest of our NSF life, the moment dat somehow, I wished could be delayed further.. This sense of foreboding just tells me dat watever it is.. I dun really wish to know... maybe just not now... But it can't be helped... and the first wave of frustrations and fear for the unknown came towering over me. Everyone of my fellow band mates knew their fate.. Band A, B or Central.. all except me. PENDING was all I got of my posting. I was left speechless.. I din noe wat to feel... actually, I was pretty much at a loss.. "What is dat supposed to mean?"
Troubled, loss, frustrated, vexed...

To be frank, I do not understand the reasons for my frustrations.. at this point in time, I still did not know where I prefer to be in.. Is it MDC? Everyone seemed to think I'll like it in MDC... cos I'm more inclined to chinese music; cos dat's the field I've been trained in; cos I've performed with them numerous times before; cos I know Major Tay.. but frankly speaking.. something tells me dat I have begin to develop a sense of belonging to Bands.. to the life of a Band musician.. so much so dat if I were to leave now.. I might not be dat happy to.

It's like you were being put in a foster family. Ur initial feelings were dat of resentment... or rejection.. cos you feel awkward, out-of-place... you feel different becos of ur background.. you fear if you can adjust to the totally new environment.. But soon, you learn to accept ur fate.. you try to adjust ur mindset.. you struggle along, coping in the new environment.. sure, you'll have ur fair share of unhappy incidents... misunderstandings... but you learn along the way... you found support from people dat started out as perfect strangers to you.. you finally pulled thru and smile as you look back at yourself back when you just enter the family.. and you just begin to see dat it's not so bad afterall... dat you can actually still be yourself.. and find joy in being part of this foster family.. dat it may not be so different afterall..

4th Dec, 2004 (Saturday)
SAF Bands Sports Day... the venue, Big Splash @ ECP.. the weather wasn't exactly cheerful, but it was quite a fun day nonetheless... Had one of the rare chances to really have fun with my fellow bandmates.. Just as I was beginning to forget all the frustrations of my unknown future, my Training Wing Captain just casually walked up and said "Oh Keith, it's been confirmed. You are to posted to Central Band."

Dumbfounded.

Okaay... so my fate is sealed... and I'm staying in this foster family afterall...

5th Dec, 2004 (Sunday)
Met Zhixun in town to go attend a Training Wing Gathering at Marina Steamboat... Never really liked eating at Marina.. and was a tad anxious.. wondered how the outing will turn out.. esp since Staff Terry and Staff Cecilia are going too.. knowing dat there was some misunderstanding between us previously... But I decided dat I must somehow brave the storm, be it for better or worse.. since it's a misunderstanding den I clear it and face it.

The outing turned out fine... As expected.. the food wasn't really dat fantastic.. but the atmosphere was good.. but not dat fantastic either.. at least it was a small step in a positive direction.. the acrimonious silence slowly tearing away.. Went for a drink at Travis @ Robinson Walk... wld have gone to Zhixun's hse to stay over, if not for the fact dat I had to do up the banner for the Graduation Ceremony on Tue..

6th Dec, 2004 (Monday)
Off-in-lieu, in compensation for the Saturday spent for the Sportsday @ Big Splash.. Even though so, I had to go back to camp, to help out with the finishing touches to the decorations for the studio dat was to be used to hold our Graduation Ceremony for the next day... Was with Zhanxin, Weixiang etc on our way to Zhixuan's hse when I received the call from Gekgo dat sent the next tsunami of frustrations. "Eh, Staff wants me to tell you dat you are not going to Central Band le.. they have posted you to MDC."

Speechless.

Now wat the heck is going on?!? Pissed.. really pissed... just wat the heck are they doing, sending me up and down in a coaster-ride?? Wat the...

7th Dec, 2004 (Tueday)
Graduation. Months of work paid off.. not exactly wat I'll call 'hard work', since I din exactly put in loads of effort.. but still, it's worth celebrating.. but to me.. it's a mixed feeling altogether.. I seriously do not know whether I shd be happy or sad... I just felt very restless.. like I'm being tossed into a great torrential sea.. with waves splashing at me from all directions.. felt suddenly very alone.. very left out.. especially so when everyone got hold of the news dat I'm being posted out to MDC..

Some came congratulating me for being able to where I want to go.. to which I replied with a wry smile.. cos I seriously dun think I feel happy with this news.. certainly 2 mths ago I wld have been jubilant... but not now.. not anymore..

The ceremony... standing there in the ranks of my fellow trainees, I feel a subtle sense of pride.. to be able to go thru the training which seemed to be awfully hard for me(due to my different background training in music).. to be able to make it thru... but looking at the bundles of certificates on the tables, I felt this sudden jab of sorrowness.. all had a SAF Bands' harp badge attached to it.. the symbol of pride of the SAF Bands.. all except mine..

Shaking of hands with the Major also sent me another wave of frustrations.. "Best of luck to you in MDC" was wat Major Teng said as he shook my hand.. which I didn't know how I reacted.. Alot of my friends said dat I show my feelings and emotions too fast with my too quick-to-react facial expressions.. I would love to see wat was dat look on my face.. I can't really recall.. Maybe I blurted out "Thank you Sir" again.. and why did I say dat?

Spent the rest of the day as a lone, wandering soul in the White House, as all my fellow trainees head for the respective bands they have been posted to... Felt very, very alone.. Once Hans poked his head in to the Training Room later on in the day.. to see me alone in there.. trying hard to read a book.. ('trying' becos seriously, I have no mood to read anything at dat point in time).. or was I trying to sleep? can't recall... He din say anything.. but merely smiled. Frankly speaking I was quite touched with dat kind gesture.. such a simple act of merely popping by, but to me, it was invaluable... the smile reminded me dat I'm not forgotten.. I din say anything to him either.. but Hans, if you see this now, I thank you. It was really nice of you.

9th Dec, 2004 (Thursday)
Went back to camp, to report once again as a wandering soul I thot.. Been trying to console myself dat it may not be as bad as I thot.. maybe I'll like it better in MDC? Maybe I shd jsut try to accept fate once again like I did 2 mths ago..

Helped out Staff Terry with his store... together with Gekgo and Jansen.. we had to clear the store of unused metal racks dat are just taking up space and gathering dust.. Seemed like hard work... but it wasn't.. actually it turned out to be quite fun... dismantling them and challenging ourselves by timing how long we take to dismantle 1.. Somehow it provided a chance to get to know Staff Terry a little better.. at a less regimental level.. It sortta tore down the invisible barrier.. the one dat resulted from the misunderstanding... and for once.. I really begin to feel dat I actually like being in this new foster family.. though there might have been misunderstandings.. but we are still a family afterall..

Halfway thru the day, somehow the conversation led to me.. and to my going over to MDC soon.. it was then dat I finally admitted dat I do not wish to go over.. and dat I wld have like to stay at Bands.. Staff Terry seemed rather surprised.. and said I shd have voiced out sooner.. And he called up Captain Chua etc and gave me advice on wat I can do.. and started me along in my quest to request to stay on in Bands.. even to the extend of calling Captain Yusri.. thanks Staff.. thanks.

Later on in the day, we all chatted.. Gekgo, Jansen, Staff Terry, Me, Xun, Iskandar.. and even chatted of plans to go Genting together.. and of the treat to Dbl O on the 18th... and I felt again this tinge of sadness again dat I'm leaving in time to come...

11th Dec, 2004 (Saturday)
Went out with Sugui, Alvin n Yanxin, to ECP to cycle... din want to go at all... considering the rather foul mood I was in... desperately wanted to go drink thru-out the day.. to get myself drunk... but my wish wasn't granted... reach home late and exhausted.. which is just as well.. den I wun end up tossing and turning again in bed, thinking of the impending doom...

Cre8tivesparks at 12/12/2004 06:58:00 PM

1 gave a piece of their mind

1 comments

at 15/12/04 10:27 AM Jasmine said...: hey...tt was a long entry...but i read it all the way. sorry i didnt reply ur msg tt day coz i was in genting...and i'm at the airport now...going to fly off to korea. do take care ya...when i'm back we go ktv together kie! *huGz*